New Year

It’s the start of a new year and I resolved to give the power of my words back to the only One deserving of holding them. This can only happen by sharing who I am with complete vulnerability. So it is in complete humility that I share this.

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My brain doesn’t work like most people’s. Because I don’t think linearly. Everything in my mind is a huge web.

And when I think about what I know and how I know it, I find that sometimes I know things without having any conscious recollection of when or how I learned them.

The connections between topics so vivid and obvious to me that I have a hard time understanding how others don’t see them…even when I try to explain.

And when I’m learning about a topic that I’m passionate about? I can’t stop seeing the connections. And then I can’t stop talking about them.

I make people uncomfortable. I talk too much. I say something that is insulting. I make them feel dumb.

Too much. Too smart. Too intimidating. Too knowing.

And I once again realize I’m the one who has great advice and ideas, who is loyal to a fault, but who has to be taken in doses.

So I hide the piece of me that loves knowledge and information.

Because hiding pieces of who I am is something I’ve always done. Not that I remember ever having made a conscious decision to do it, yet getting better and better at it the older I get.

I always thought it was one of my defense mechanisms to keep from getting hurt, but if I’m truly honest, it’s really to try to make others comfortable and increase the chance I’ll be accepted and wanted.

Instead, I’m always hurting. Left craving the kinds of social connections I see others around me have, but always the one left pursuing to keep a friendship alive. Always craving words of affirmation, but not trusting that whoever is saying them is being truthful. Always smiling and putting on a seemingly put together, confident exterior despite the anguish of the war going on inside of me.

This is my baseline.

This is anxiety.

This is my battle.

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If this sounds like your battle, I’d love to connect with you.